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Almost Wednesday Humor

Invoking Spain's history of dictatorship and terror, Baltasar Garzón, the country's most prominent investigative magistrate, has called on the United States to immediately close the prison camp at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba.

"A model like Guantánamo is an insult to countries that respect laws," Garzón said in an interview during a counterterrorism conference in Florence in late May. "It delegitimizes us. It is a place that needs to disappear immediately."

International Herald Tribune.

BREAKING NEWS

HAVANA, CUBA - As the remainder of the island was enshrouded in the still and quiet of night, the United States prison camp at Guantanamo Bay seems to have disappeared completely between the hours of 2 and 4 AM today. "It was spending some time on the Cuban border," said sister prison camp Abu Ghraib, "when it seems to have just vanished. I tried to call its cell and remind it to send me some photos since I've been so generous with mine, but it didn't answer. I got suspicious and called some buddies in Florida, but no one could find ol' Gitmo. This isn't like it...I know there's something strange going on here."

Patriotic Americans first suspected the Spanish judiciary, but President Bush was swift to place the blame on that pesky international terrorist organization Al Qaeda. "The disappearance of this bastian of American values is a strong message from Islamic extremists who hate our way of life," the President stated in an emergency press conference. "I am therefore suspending the United States judiciary and Congress and declaring a state of martial law. As your Commander in Chief, I can assure you that anyone who has expressed any opposition to the United States government activities at Guantanamo Bay will be immediately imprisoned and held indefinitely without charge. Sometimes freedom demands such a difficult course of action, but I knew this was going to be a tough job when I interviewed for it with the late Chief Justice Rehnquist. God bless America, except those parts of American that disagree with me."

Just hours after the President's press conference, however, a leak informed this paper that the NSA, having bypassed the provisions of FISA, unwittingly wiretapped new CIA director Gen. Hayden and recorded the following: "...tired of abducting individual civilians. The challenge is gone--the international community barely even objects any more. It was about time for a real challenge--a whole prison..." Unfortunately, the recording was cut off by a posse of six year olds whose cell phones interfered with the signal. It has also been reported that witnesses in Albania called Amnesty International to report what they described as "the anguished cries of torture victims." President Bush issued the following brief statement in response: "It wasn't torture. And even if it was, I can do what I want." The witnesses and their families and friends could not be found for comment.

In the meantime, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has begun citing what he claims to be links between the Spanish Judiciary and al Qaeda as justification for cutting off all diplomatic ties with Spain, and is said to be considering an invasion of Europe. Canadian Prime Minister Harper, fresh off a near brush with terrorism himself and eager to show new Canadian support for the American War on Terror, has pledged full military support against Spain and any other nation that should stand in America's path. British Prime Minister Tony Blair added wearily, "yep, me too."

Howard Dean and the his e-mail assembled freedom fighters, the American Leftist Resistance, are said to be forming an alliance with France, al Qaeda, Palestine, and all radical Islamic nationalists to protect Spain and the rest of Europe. The alliance is tenuous, however, its members arguing over such fundamentals as whether to use irony and clever t-shirt slogans or violence as a tactic, and the wearing of head scarves. Dean issued the following statement, either as a preliminary warning or a recruitment tool (though some have suggested it might actually be an attempt at some crude form of language): "YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARGH!"

Finally, 2008 hopeful Hillary Clinton has praised President Bush's actions as "important steps for our national security," and is reportedly considering asking current first lady Laura Bush to run as her Vice President when 2008 rolls around. "Everyone will love me," she reportedly said; "everyone will love me." A passing Afghan reportedly heard Russ Feingold weeping from his cell in Haditha.

Ways to pass the time when Summer is still in Oregon. Don't worry, I promise I'll quit lamely attempting satire and get back to the drudgery of my day to day life soon. In the meantime, I got my second grade, which was up from first semester, so that happified me somewhat. And I just made almost vegan cookies. I was going to make muffins but we didn't have eggs or milk, so I made due with what we had, and about twelve turned out edibly. Hurray!

Time to clean up dishes, maybe do a little lifting, maybe do some reading, maybe shower, maybe clean the cat box, definitely sleep. Last night I didn't knock off 'til 3, and Nory woke me up around 4, and I got up a little after 7, so the sleep would probably be a good idea.